The Pocket Guide to Not-Quite-Legal Scenic Destinations

Today, a post by special guest writer Danny Wind, internationally acclaimed, claimed, and reclaimed author of Let’s Kill All the Belgians: A Child’s Guide to Genocide.

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Some of America’s coolest, most beautiful destinations are, strictly speaking, barred to the public. But this handy guide shows how an intrepid traveler could, hypothetically, check some of them out for himself–not that we’d ever endorse breaking the law, of course!

Jerimoth Hill (Foster, RI)

The highest point in the state of Rhode Island at 812 feet, Jerimoth Hill sits on private property and is officially off-limits to hikers. But simply vault the fence at the unattended western edge of the property–especially on weekdays, nobody’s likely to stop you.

Abandoned Subway Tunnels (Indianapolis, IN)

Construction began on these in the mid-1970s, but was abandoned when funding ran out. Now they’re an urban spelunker’s dream. The entrance to the only completed station (at 16th and Rankin) is gated and padlocked, but our sources tell us that this can be easily defeated with a common set of lockpicks. Be sure to take a buddy with you–these tunnels may not be as dangerous as the city will say they are, but there’s still a risk from falling debris.

American Taxidermy Museum (Grand Rapids, MI)

One of the creepiest, campiest museum experiences in the country, this was another victim of a lack of funding, as it was shuttered “temporarily” in 2008 with all the exhibits still inside. Just chuck one of the many local rocks through one of the windows and crawl inside–I mean, it’s an abandoned building. Who’s gonna care?

Cimarron Observation Tower (Morton County, KS)

Officially intended for gathering meteorological data, this observation tower in the Cimarron National Grassland in southwestern Kansas is open to visitors during the day and offers some of the most astonishing views available in the notoriously flat Midwest. But bureaucratic decisions mean that it’s closed after sunset, despite its prime location for uncluttered night-sky viewing. That’s easy enough to get around, though–there’s only one park ranger guarding the entrance to the tower at night, and a rag soaked in chloroform should keep him out of your hair. (We recommend Grunnet’s Organic Chloroform–it’s a little pricier, but packs just as much of a kick as the chloroforms you’ll find in big-box stores, without any of the artificial additives.) He’ll wake up a few hours later with a killer headache, but there’ll be no troubling gaps in your memory when you look back on that night and some of the best star views you’ll ever see. The Perseid meteor shower (late July and August) is a prime time to visit.

The Vogel Greenhouse (Kingman, AZ)

This backyard greenhouse tended by retired letter carrier Eugene Vogel and his wife Alberta has been cited by several national organizations as perhaps the best example of indoor gardening in North America. Unfortunately, the greenhouse can only be accessed through the Vogels’ home at 114 Mohave Court, and the couple has chosen to restrict it to visitors in light of their advancing years and Eugene’s struggle with bladder cancer. But don’t worry–the Vogels keep a spare key under the flower pot on their front porch (so trusting!). Just come by one night after the Vogels have gone to bed (they won’t hear you come in; their hearing isn’t what it used to be) and sneak through the kitchen to the sliding doors leading to the greenhouse. Except…you forgot to check the TV listings, didn’t you? You didn’t know that NCIS got bumped an hour later than normal because of the Presidential address. So the Vogels are, uncharacteristically, still awake when you enter the kitchen. And they start screaming at you–Alberta yelling that she’s going to call the police, Eugene saying that he’s going to get his gun. You can’t go to jail. You’re still young. Your whole life is still ahead of you. Everything you’ve worked for would be ruined. And someone like you would never survive in prison. But these people–they’re old. They’ve lived their lives. And if they hadn’t been so selfish as to bar visitors from their greenhouse, you wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with. You see a meat cleaver in the block on the kitchen counter. Right within arm’s reach. It’s practically a sign from the heavens. Or somewhere. You’ve got no connection to these people. You don’t even live in this state. No one will ever suspect you. Do it. DO IT. Once you begin, it’s easier than you would have thought it would be. Part of you thinks that maybe this is what you were meant for all along. But what you didn’t count on was that the Vogels’ daughter Claire sometimes stops by the house to drop off groceries on her way home from work (she works the evening shift at the hospital; how could you have known that?). She grows concerned when she finds the door unlocked. You both see each other simultaneously as she walks into the kitchen. Your eyes lock. The cleaver still in your hand. But once you start something like this, you have to see it through. Till the end.TIP: Don’t leave without taking a whiff of Alberta’s stand of rare, fragrant Balinese orchids–some of the best specimens you can find outside of the wild.

Death (Here. Now.)

Wondering what to do when you’ve run out of adventurous destinations to explore, and you’re also haunted by memories of screams and blood that no amount of drink or drugs can blot out? Well, it was Peter Pan who said, “To die would be an awfully big adventure.” After all, if you believe in a soul at all, you’re pretty sure yours is already forfeit. And there must be some reason why you’ve kept that bloody meat cleaver even though all logic tells you to get rid of it. Will you find the cold maw of oblivion, or the eternal fires of Hell, or another dimension so far beyond human comprehension that even to contemplate it would drive mortal minds mad? Only one way to find out! (Download our FREE iPhone app for directions on how to make it count as a blood sacrifice!)

Published by Tesseract Publishing, Ltd., a division of the Black Church of Zog-Shoggoth.
Coming summer 2012: THE POCKET GUIDE TO EATING LOCALLY. If you bring an open mind to the table, there are a lot more dining options available than you might think.

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