Tag Archives: Congress

Dear Congress

-by Nerdface-

Dear United States Congress,

No offense and all, but you’re a bunch of old fogeys. And the lobbyists and industry heads behind your SOPA and PIPA legislation are just as bad. None of you really understands how the Internet works. Half of you secretly suspect dark magic (FYI, if you stopped using AOL it might help). I’m willing to bet approximately 100% of you have no idea how to torrent. (“More dark magic,” you say, crossing yourself. “Possibly gremlins.”)

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A Modest Proposition

-by Nerdface-

Whereas it has previously been established at the highest levels of our government that the terrorist organization known as al-Qaeda hates us for our freedoms;

And whereas both supporters and detractors of the 2012 National Defense Authorization Act admit that the law endangers—even tramples upon—the basic American freedoms of due process and habeus corpus, guaranteed us by Articles 5 and 6 of the United States Constitution;

And whereas the 2012 NDAA provides for the indefinite detention of any person who “was a part of or substantially supported al-Qaeda, the Taliban, or associated forces that are engaged in hostilities against the United States or its coalition partners, including any person who has committed a belligerent act or has directly supported such hostilities in aid of such enemy forces”;

I hereby submit that the members of Congress who voted for this bill, and the President who signed it into law, are, under this bill, directly supporting al-Qaeda in their goal of destroying America and her freedoms, and are therefore subject to indefinite detention under said law.

I move that they be detained under the law they signed, new representatives elected, and the law immediately repealed.

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and so, the terrorists win.

-by Nerdface-

The US Senate has passed a bill allowing the indefinite detention—without a trial, without a lawyer, without any rights—of anyone suspected of aiding or being a terrorist (including US citizens).

And how did the bill pass? 93 to 7. Three Republicans, three Democrats, and one Independent voted against it. Everyone else said, “Sounds like an okay idea to us!”

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how it works

-by Nerdface

1. Get elected to Congress.

2. Because Congress and Big Business/Wall Street/The Military-Industrial Complex are like *this* (holding up crossed fingers), find out all kinds of insider information.

3. Buy or sell stock (or land, etc) as appropriate, using said insider information.

4. Make large profit.

5. Repeat as needed.

I do not understand why Congress’s insider trading is not illegal; I do not understand who could think this is okay; and I do not understand why we are not out there tonight riding these people out of Washington on rails.

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THIS WEEK IN AMERICAN POLITICS AND POP CULTURE, THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER

-by Kid Bucket-

Politics

Pop Culture

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